


baby 손

by nelsy (eulyhne_syios)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Awkward First Times, Awkward Sexual Situations, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Smut and Crack, ahhh all i seem to contribute to this fandom is crackships and crack fics lmaooo, i swear if it wasnt for that vlive i wouldn't even kno lumark was a thing, idk man, idk what this is man, inspired by that one vlive where lucas talks about mark's baby hands lmaooo, lucas just wants to make mark happy okay, mark and lucas being crackheads together bc shut up, mark's not having it, some fingering i guess..., tragic attempts at ass eating lmaooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 10:28:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15928556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eulyhne_syios/pseuds/nelsy
Summary: so maybe Lucas has a thing for Mark's smallish hands...orLucas's attempts at first-time ass eating goes (tragically) wrong





	baby 손

**Author's Note:**

> dont look at me, you're already here bro

“Okay, listen —I’ve done all the research.” He tosses his phone on the bed, climbing on, facing a snortling Mark in his pajamas, just a ratty t-shirt and shorts  —hugging a giant pillow with his arms and legs. “-it’s gonna be great.”

 

They’re in their hotel room, at their trip to Seoul. Mark grabs the phone, skeptically curious.

 

“Wow…” He smirks, unlocking Lucas’s phone, snorting at all the open tabs, some of the images quite graphic. “-we’ve got a real _intellectual_ in the house…”

 

“I’m _serious…_!” He rolls down to his side, mirroring Mark’s position, grabbing his hands, lining their palms up, curling his fingers over his. “-this is, like, the first time, we’re doing this and I wanna be good, like—” He looks down,  gets distracted by the gap in size of their hands again. “-Aw, baby 손...hey, hey can I call you “baby 손” while we’re—

 

Mark blows a raspberry at him, sticking out his tongue, rolling away from him. “- _no_ , you idiot, you _cannot_ call m—

 

“Baby 손, it is.” Lucas nodded, tackling him over the bed.

 

They wrestle for a couple more minutes before both sighing, lying lazily on the bed. Mark looks over at Lucas who’s smirking, hair all mussed up over his eyes. He shook his head. God, why’d they make this weirdo so hot?

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

Lucas snorts, brow wiggling, teasing in English. “- _ohhh_ , you were thinking I’m _sexyyy_ _yy_ _yy_ _yyy_ _y_ _—_

 

Mark smacks him in the face with the pillow, pinning him down, knees on either side of his waist as he continues slapping him until Lucas yanks off the case and waves it, parodying the soldier’s surrender.

 

He sighs, falling down, legs still tangled together. Chuckles when he feels the tickle of stubble when their calves rub together.

 

“God, Lucas, why do I even like you…?” He mutters, smiling though, still, picking loose threads out of the other’s hair.

 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Lucas grins, flashing his eyebrows. “-I’m sexy _—_ hey, hey, you _know_ it’s true —I’m _smart—_

 

He can’t yell over Mark’s laughter at this point and just waits for him to quiet down, shaking his head, in mock-exasperation.

 

“ _And,_ ” Lucas lifts his arms, to bless him with the glorious smell of clean, clean pits. “-I shower _._ ”

 

“ _Damn_ …” The other slow-claps, nodding, almost impressed. “-gotta love a man who invented _personal hygiene_ —

 

Lucas elbows him in the ribs, yanks Mark on top of him, immediately pulling him down —trying to get him to shut up by kissing him, snorts still trickling from the corner of his mouth when he breaks for air. It’s inevitable he decides —Mark would probably laugh just from him breathing, there’s nothing he can do about it.

 

He also decides that it’s not a bad thing —making people laugh was something Lucas enjoyed, but now it was time to get back to business.

 

“Speaking of person hygiene,” Lucas continued, after they calmed down, lying side by side. “-apparently that’s super important when we’re doing the _thing,_ so go—” He gestures to the bathroom. “-go wash yourself, okay?”

 

“ _Pssh_ , what do you mean?”

 

“Markeu,” He holds his face, jokingly serious, their noses touching. “-you gotta get clean or else I’m gonna get — _boom—!”_ Mimics an explosion with his hands. “ _—Kinder Surprise in my m—_

 

He squeezes his eyes closed, spit flying when Mark blows a raspberry right in his face, gasping from how hard he’s laughing, shoving Lucas off the bed. The guy climbs back on a minute later, lightly kicking at the other’s legs, to get him to hurry up and get ready.

 

“Anyways,” Mark rolls onto his stomach, elbows on his pillow, chin on his hands. “-you’re doing it to me, so aren’t you supposed to help me with that stuff too?”

 

“Nn...no, no, no,” Lucas shakes his head, waving that ridiculous thought away. “-that’s too weird, Mark. Naw, as much as I like you —I ain’t gonna help you wash your butt.”

 

The other 99-liner rolls his eyes, reluctantly pushing off the bed, muttering as he heads to the bathroom. “-your mouth’s literally gonna be inside it five minutes later —look who’s calling who weird…”

**...**

 

Literally two minutes later, Lucas is banging on the door, hollering.

 

“Hey, Mark!” He complained. “-I told you to wash your butt —not your _entire_ _digestive system_ —

 

“Oh, shut up, Lucas!” Came the irritated holler back. “-I’m trying to be, what’s that word — _thorough_ —I’m tryna be thorough, okay—

 

“How far _in_ are you going—?” He thought out loud, a little too loudly.

 

That was the thing —Lucas always thought too loudly. Then he thought harder —a light bulb going off. It was finally making sense now —Mark’s hands were so small he could only scrub a tiny bit at a time — _no wonder_ it was taking him a thousand years to wash his ass…!

 

“...”

 

“Mark? Mark?”

 

“...what kind of _thought_ is that...?!” Shit —Lucas gulped, he’d thought that aloud too. “-look, I’m tryna get lemony fresh dammit —quit your yammering and lemme scrub in peace…”

 

Another two minutes pass. Lucas starts to worry that Mark scrubbed so hard his body scattered into soap suds and rolled down the drain. Banging on the door again, he yells:

 

“Mark! Mark, hey, Mark!”

 

A groan sounds from the other side. “-what…?”

 

“ _Don’t_ put shampoo in your butt —it’s _bad_ for your good butt bacteria—

 

“ _Why_ would I put _shampoo_ in my—

 

“-Then if you’re _only_ using water why are you _taking so long—_

 

“- _Goddamnit_ , Lucas —I’m done, okay, I’m done!” Mark flung open the door, not even closing the shower, almost chokes from the freezing air coming in. Lucas enjoys the view for half a second before the other takes his face with the tips of his fingers and manually turns his head to the other direction.

 

Mark walks right past him, collapsing backwards onto the bed, arms and legs spread out like an emo starfish. He sighs. “-you better make me come, like, six times, bro, or I’m never letting you do this ever again…”

 

“Gotcha.” He bounced onto the bed, joining him. He scrolls down his phone, ignoring Mark’s judging face. “-okay, step one: remember to always…”

 

The shower was still running.

**...**

 

“Yo, Mark, you gotta loosen up…” Lucas griped between his legs, eyes laser-focused like he was performing a discectomy rather than trying to... “-more than _five_ minutes and I can’t even get _one_ finger in—

 

“-God, Lucas—” Mark winced —Lucas _had_ to be lying when he said he almost used up half the lube bottle. _What kinda tiny-ass bottle..._ “-is that a finger or a _thumb_ you’re tryna put inside—

 

“-Mark —if my _thumb_ was this long I’d be a _tree—_

 

_“-_ Well, maybe you’re _part_ tree, Lucas.” He grimaced, squeezing his eyes closed. “-maybe they should’ve named you _Quercus_ instead…”

 

He pulls out the quarter inch of finger he’d managed to get inside and just stares at him.

 

“... _what…?”_

 

“It’s a type of _oak_ tree, dumbass...” Mark rolls his eyes. “-now quit staring and get back to work.”

 

“Wow, your version of dirty talking sure is weird…”

 

“Do you _wanna_ eat my ass or not…”

 

**...**

 

“Okay, is there some kind of secret code —like _open sesame_ for your ass because I swear to God, Mark, your—

 

“-man, what kinda _bull_ shit—

 

“-No, no, I got it —I got it —Mark, shut up!” Lucas cut in, eyes lighting up.

 

Parting Mark's legs further, he took a deep breath, clearing his throat. _They didn’t almost make me a vocal without a reason…_ He does his best Taeyong impression, slicking his hair back. _Ayo, ayo—_

 

“ _Open your ass —joyonghi open your ass—_

 

“Lucas, what the _f_ —

 

He clamps his mouth with his free hand, still trying to breach security with the other.

 

_“-open your ass —ijeneun open your a—_

 

Mark kicks him in the face, groaning. Lucas laughs, rubbing his sore jaw. Now that they’d been like this for a while now, Mark was starting to feel a bit awkward in this position —legs up, ass facing the other, actually, now he was starting to get kinda hungry, maybe he should head to the minifridge and check if they still had some leftover pi—

 

“ _-JESUS CHRIST, LUCAS—_

 

“ _Sorry, sorry, sorry_ —Mark, you finally relaxed so I just put in three fi—

 

“ _-THREE FI—_

 

“-I-It’s gonna feel good in like, two seconds, oka—

 

“ _Two seconds —Lucas, my ass is gonna explode and Big Bang in two seconds—_

 

Somehow, though, it didn’t. The universe remained intact and in roughly another fourteen seconds, Mark stopped complaining, stopped talking altogether actually, gasping, thinking _Man, really didn’t think this was gonna happen but I think I’m actually gonna—_

 

And then Lucas’s fingers are gone and Mark’s nearly reeling from the empty air.

 

“Shit, I was so close —Lucas, what the hell—

 

“-I can’t do it like this, okay —I need music to establish the _right rhythm_ —it’s like, step four in the—

 

“-Dammit Lucas, I _almost established my orgasm_ and then you just—

 

“Shush it, I got the perfect beat —listen to this—

 

Mark rolls his eyes at the telltale tiger’s rumble and the cries of a thousand men.

 

Well, 18, to be more exact.

 

_Can’t you see now? Whooooooh..._

_NCT IN DA HOOOUUUUUUUSSSSEEE_

_Manhgomanheun jeojeojeobeoryeojin kkumdeul sairhymei balkhyeo_ _  
_ _Put your glass hiiiiiii—_

 

Mark flips over and shuts the song off, squinting at Lucas in disbelief.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong with th—

 

“-Are you _kidding_ me —you can't eat my ass in front of all _18 members of NCT_  —Jisung is _literally_ a _fetus-_

 

“-A fetus with a deeper voice than yours—

 

“-Shut up and change the song.”

 

“Okay, okay, sheesh.”

 

Lucas scrolled down his playlist, grinned and tapped his second choice.

 

_Ooooh...Mmm...Hnhh...Hmm...nnn_

_Hey —who dat who dat who dat boiii_

 

“Oh, my God —Lucas—

 

“-Hey, Red Velvet is like, the _bomb_ , okay—

 

“-Lemme choose the goddamn song…”

 

He flips through the playlist, furrowing his brow at some of the choices, some he could understand like _10 hours of only Lucas’s parts in NCT’s songs_ and then there was stuff like _Here Come Dat Boi (Ballad version)_ and _Guess the Monsta X song based on Jooheon’s weird noises._

 

Lucas looks over at his choice as the bass hits, smirking.

 

“Ohhh, _kinky_ , Mark.”

 

“...shut up…”

 

_neoreul cheoeum bon ihu_ _  
_ _modeun sasohan iyuneun piryo eopseojin feeling…_

 

**...**

 

“Okay, Mark, quick question.”

 

Lucas was just about to put his tongue in after Mark finally loosened up a little. He sighed.

 

“...what?”

 

“How do you eat your groceries?”

 

Mark tilted his chin down, looking at him in disbelief,

 

“ _What—_? Wh-what are you _talking_ about, Lucas, you—

 

“You don’t know Jhene Aiko —Mark, you gotta be _kidding_ me—

 

“What is this  _Jhene Aiko_ , Lucas what kinda drugs—

 

“~ _You know you gotta eat the booty like groceries~”_

 

“I literally have _no_ idea what that song is.”

 

“That’s not _important_ —you just gotta tell me how you eat your groceries and then I’ll know—

 

“-You’re taking advice from Jhene Aiko. Like what makes her a professional —does she have a _degree_ in eating-bootyology from the University of _Assachussetts_ —

 

“-Hey, hey, help me out, Mark, I’ve never eaten ass before —I’d appreciate a little support—

 

“-Okay, like what kinda groceries you mean —are we talking eggs or bok choy or lasagna or sushi—

 

“-Okay, you know what, Mark, I’m just gonna pretend this is a negative chicken nugget and eat it the way I’ve always eaten ch—

 

“-You do you, Lucas, just find my prostate soon, okay.” Mark sighed, kinda weirded out by himself —sounded like he was looking for a lost child.

 

He sighed, wondering when this would be over. All he was feeling right now was wet butt which wasn’t at all that appealing. He was starting to wonder if there really might be classes for how to eat ass because maybe technique really would make a difference...

 

**...**

 

“Have you _found_ my prostate yet —it’s been around _65 million years n_ —

 

“-I don’t _know_ , Mark, I can’t seem to find it _anywhere_ —” Lucas mumbled, moving around his tongue like he was trying to get at some untouchable, mystical icicle. Then he had an epiphany. “ -hey, hey, —maybe, like, you absorbed it during birth, you know —the kinda thing you do to twins—

 

“-Goddammit, Lucas, you can’t _absorb_ a—

 

Actually, he didn’t know. Maybe you could. Maybe that’s why he’d only come exactly one and a half times in the past two hours. And the first time was by accident —while Lucas was digging around and hit a raw nerve, Mark suddenly remembered the quadratic formula from ninth grade and got a little too excited about it. He sighed. _Tragic._

 

“-Anyways, how do I _know_ when I’ve hit it, like, is it soft, is it hard, is it covered in spikes—

 

“- _you_ won’t know, Lucas, _I_ will know, okay—

 

“-Okay, okay, Mark, fine,” Lucas shrugged, removing his fingers (and tongue), yet again. “-if you’re so smart and in touch with your body, go on —stick your baby 손 inside and just find it yourself.”

 

Mark just looked at him wordlessly for a few moments.

 

“I can’t believe it, honestly, I can’t believe it.” Mark stared at the ceiling, in pure amazement. “- _you_ texted _me_ last night at 4 am, asking for permission to eat my ass today and it’s been _two hours_ and you can’t find my prostate, and so you’re making me look for it _myself,_ with my own fucking _baby_ 손…”

 

“-What can I say, Mark, prostates are _hard to find_ —

 

“-No, they’re not —last time Jaehyun and I drank too much _apple juice_ he found it in, like, six seconds—

 

“Woah, woah, woah, since when was _Jaehyun_ in the picture—

 

“-since before you debuted dumbass —you’re not the first guy I slept with for crying out loud—

 

Lucas stops and thinks for a while. That actually kinda upset him. Like really upset him, actually.

 

“-r-really…?”

 

Mark rolled his eyes.

 

“ _No_ , I was kidding okay —I never did anything with him, I just made that up because I was mad —dude, look, I thought this was gonna be fun and relaxing but honestly, I’m getting more stressed out from this _ass eating_ than being in three units—

 

“-Can you tell me _one_ true thing then Mark,” It’s kinda hard to tell what he’s saying now because he’s put his tongue back in, trying to find it still. “-because I kinda feel like I’m caught in a _web of lies_ now—

 

“Okay, how ‘bout this —you don’t find my prostate in the next five minutes, Imma dump you for real, okay —thought I was dating an _intellectual_ , Lucas — _Guess_ you ain't the _only_ one caught in a _web of lies amiright_ —

 

And in that moment, Lucas finally hit it —Mark cuts himself off and makes a sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before —like a third eye just opened in the middle of his foot, he could finally see the light, he could finally—

 

“ _Oh, my God.”_

 

Somehow, that insane three seconds made the rest of it all worth it. Somehow Mark wasn’t even mad anymore. He _was_ dating a true intellectual.

 

**...**

 

“You know, I was kidding when I said that.”

 

They’ve cleaned up and now lay on the bed with fresh clothes, newly washed sheets. Lucas chuckled, brushing some hair out of Mark’s eyes.

 

“Yeah, obviously. I _knew_ you wouldn’t dump me over something dumb like that.”

 

Mark shakes his head. He never thought about it much, but he was really lucky. Intellectual or not, Lucas seriously was a good guy.

 

“Can I tell you something?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“The first time I came, uh, wasn’t even from your, um, ass eating, actually…”

 

“Oh, really? What was it?”

 

“It was, um, from suddenly remembering the quadratic formula...”

 

This time it’s Lucas who blows a raspberry, snorting.

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah. From ninth grade.” Mark mumbled sheepishly.

 

“Wow, you shoulda that told me earlier…!” He scoffed, jokingly. “-I have like, the _entire_ multiplication table memorized!” He adds after Mark bursts out laughing. “-up to _thirteen_ too _—_!”

 

“Most people only know it up to twelve.”

 

“Exactly!”

 

“Wow, maybe I really could’ve come six times then.” He smirked.

 

“Forget six —at least _double_ —you know how _long_ it takes to recite the entire th—

 

And so they’re laughing again, and Mark remembers why he’s dating this idiot.

 

**...**

 

Sometime later in the week, Mark’s casually sprawled on his stomach, playing Pokémon on his Nintendo when he’s almost thrown off the bed from how hard Lucas lands on it ass-first.

 

He looks at him, wearing Mark’s Harry Potter glasses, immensely proud of himself.

 

“What?”

 

“I just retaught myself _differential calculus_.” He grabbed his shoulders, pressing their foreheads together. “-Mark, my man, get ready for the _best_ _orgasm_ of your _li—_

 

_Oh, dear God._ He groaned. _Here we go again._

 

(But at least he could really say he was dating a true intellectual.)

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry guys one day i will write a serious fic about them bc lumark makes me soft but all i have is this crack shit right now lmaooo


End file.
